dec-25-08

today i had a dream about my grandmother who passed on more then 5 years ago. usually these dream bring peace and comfort to me. she comes and holds me and lets me know everything will be alright. but my dream last night was awful. she was with me and she soiled herself and i yelled and screamed at her being evil as she hung her head in shame. she went to the bathroom to clean herself then it dawned on me my wella was there with me. i tried to get back to her then i woke up crying. its christmas day and i feel awful. i feel that there is a battle of good versus evil within me and im losing. it seems every battle i fight i lose.. i dont know how to be wise about what i do. i feel like im hurting everyone around me, including the one source that means the most to me. im losing the battle with my weight. its so hard to see how unhealthy i am. i see it but it almost means nothing to me. i feel that my weight is the cause of all this evil and anger i have within me. i need to be serious about this weight, or im going to die.. should i cut out people in my life to stay focused??? i have also become one of those women who is self concious during sex with my husband. i never thought the day would come were all i could think about during sex is what is he thinking of me?? am i repulsive to him too??? i need to cleans myself of all this bad and get good.. for evryone's sake around me. i just need to stay focused on what is in front of me not what is ahead. thanks to my doings, i have a long battle with my weight ahead of me. i think another thing i do is wish my life was like other peoples, especially the people i couldn't stand in school. i hate to see any of them doing good and being happy and able to do things that i cant.. i hate being the poor ones in my husbands family...i have to focus on what we have and what i need to do for me and my family and not care about anyone else... so my start will be following a weight watchers diet and sticking to it and recording my progress out in the open for evryone to see. i want my husband to know where i stand with my weight and i want him to know that im serious about getting it off.i dont want diabetes or any other problems that obesity causes. my kids need me at this age and i dont want to die cause i would rather eat then care about them. do i really want to leave this earth before they hit adulthood milestones??? do i want to leave my husband to care for the kids himself??? no i dont!!!! i think my dream was there to let me know i need to change a few things about me cause i could be hurting people i care for and not even know it. its time to get serious.. im 30, and im not getting any younger but i dont have to feel old i can look great and feel great with alot of dicepline.